Dating again can be daunting. Sage sheds some light on the scene now, and gives some practical advice.
Have the urge to date again after being out of circulation for ages? Good for you. You deserve the fun and the companionship. But you’ll find the adventure of dating in your senior years a lot more satisfying if you approach it with some basic know-how.
Start by realizing that, as we age, we often become comfortable in our bubbles, says Toronto dating expert Shannon Tebb, owner of Shanny in the City. That can produce conflict.
“It’s scary to invite people into our private space. Sometimes seniors feel they’ve been married in the past and don’t want to go down that road again, they just want the freedom they’re used to and yet they still want companionship.”
That conflict is heightened because seniors may not know how to be vulnerable and open, both prerequisites to dating and genuine companionship.
Tebb says learning skills like active listening, where you attend closely to what the other person says and means instead of readying an immediate response, can open you up to letting someone else into your space. Broadening your world with new hobbies and interests also helps, says Tebb, whose services include dating and life skills coaching as well as matchmaking.
Remember, too, you’re not alone on the seniors dating trail. Not only has Statistics Canada reported that the number of separated or divorced seniors living alone soared from nine to 32 per cent between 1981 and 2016 (the most recent date for which this information is available), but online dating sites that now include or cater exclusively to older adults have mushroomed as seniors get their dating mojo working.
Getting ready to date again
Think of dating as an emotional workout, where warming up — especially if you haven’t exercised for some time — is key to achievement.
Been through a bad or even good relationship, a painful separation, the death of a spouse? Try letting go: You’re moving into a new stage of life and the past doesn’t have to dictate the future, Tebb says.
Do some confidence-building, she adds. Men, that could mean trimming your beard shorter than usual to give yourself a new, pleasing look, or, if you don’t normally do so, dabbing on a bit of cologne (“a bit” being the operative term.)
Ladies, is there some reason for sticking with that tried-and-true hairstyle? Take a chance on something fresh and daring.
You’ll find lots of other advice, from updating your wardrobe to tips for balding men, in the free blogs and resources on many dating websites.
Making a connection
This may be easier than you think. Online dating sites (see below) abound and they can work: A 2017 Consumer Reports survey found 44 per cent of respondents — not restricted to seniors — met a spouse or long-term partner through dating sites. However, Consumer Reports says you need to stick with it to find that special someone.
Some sites are free. Others are paid, starting at approximately $21.50 per month, but some cost double that or more. There are sites for all ages, 50+ only, gays and lesbians, Christians, those seeking casual sex, rural daters and many others.
Pat Wright, owner of Personal Touch Matchmaking in Calgary and a 40-year veteran of personally connecting would-be daters, is wary of online dating sites.
“It’s so time-consuming [being on the computer] and reaching out to people. And people tend not to tell the truth about who they really are.” She cites “horror stories” of women showing up for a date only to discover the guy doesn’t match his photo. Others are married or looking for a one-night stand.
Her service — $1,500, which is on the low side for matchmakers — includes a face-to-face interview with each client — “if they don’t have time to see me, they don’t have time to date” — and 10 matches. If you go the online route, Wright suggests you get a friend to help you complete your dating profile so it accurately portrays you and what you’re looking for. And take the time to read the fine print about terms and conditions, costs and data privacy.
There are countless other ways to meet a potential companion. Let your friends know you’re back in circulation. Join a church group, start volunteering or sign up for a university course for retirees. Each will put you in contact with a new circle of potential dates. Even a part-time job will get you out and about.
Where to go and what to expect
Wright suggests a coffee shop or a drink for the first date.
“It’s 45 minutes and it gives both parties an out if they’re not interested.”
She doesn’t like walks for that first get-together because it’s difficult to look in the other person’s eyes and pick up those all-important signals that tell you whether to pursue this one.
Tebb, meanwhile, isn’t crazy about coffee dates.
“It feels like an interview,” she says. Instead, she suggests something fun and undemanding: a wine-tasting event, a visit to a public flower garden or even a simple picnic. In other words, go wherever you’re most comfortable. Not that you’ll be entirely comfortable. If you were nervous on your first dates as a teenager (and who wasn’t?) expect to be nervous — but excited, too — now.
Try to relax, Wright advises. “It’s like riding a bike: You don’t ever forget.”
Finally, stay safe. Tell someone else where you’ll be, don’t give private information to your date, and be on the alert for scams.
Still uncertain how to proceed? Dating coaches such as Tebb can help you build dating and relationship strategies to put you on a firmer footing.
If all this sounds daunting and you’re tempted to just stay home watching Netflix, don’t. You deserve a good life, which includes companionship. And remember, don’t accept second best in your new No. 1 — life is too short for compromising on that.
Best dating websites for seniors
~ Courtesy of Shannon Tebb